Today, I only had to stop smoking while using the phone and only smoke one cigarette during work hours. Not too hard, right? Wrong. It was a battle from the get-go. I smoked like regular during the drive to work, thinking the whole time about what I would do once I reached the week I had to stop smoking in the car. Once I got to work, I was fine; my schedule is really cram-packed until mid-morning, and then I get about a 25 minute break. I have stuff to plan for the next round of kids, but that only takes 10-15 minutes, so I'm left with about 10-15 minutes to spare. This seems like a short amount of time to ignore the craving to have a cigarette. However, in the past, I've seized this moment and started the habit of catching a quick smoke, so it seems wrong not to go out to my car with the time I have left. I tried finding things to do, but my mind kept saying, "You still have time for a few puffs." I have to admit, I did cave and go for the cigarette.
I felt bad about it for the rest of the day, so after lunch, I told my colleague about my plan to quit and what I had to cut out this week. I asked her if she would help me find work to do or talk with me during those short breaks so I wouldn't have the spare time nagging at me to be used smoking. She loved the idea and has promised to help all she can. I have also decided to try to write 2 books a week, so that will also be something I can work on during down times to keep me from caving in to the craving.
However, I must give myself props. I did not have a cigarette in the afternoon at work like I usually do and I have not smoked at all while talking on the phone today. I guess that though it seems meager when I write it out like that, it is a start, nevertheless. Better yet, I know I can go all day at work with only one cigarette tomorrow and not smoke while talking on the phone. Resolve is good. Now I just need to steel up my inner bitch, so to speak, and order her to talk louder and with more logic than the lit stick that is my nemesis.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Calling All Smokers Who Want to Quit and Ex-Smokers Who Can Help
I need to write more often. However, I seem to only write when I need to get something out of my head and into a more physical, tangible substance. Now is one of those times.
Let me be honest: I am trying to quit smoking. Or, let me rephrase that: I am trying to summon the nerve to quit smoking. I've tried before, but my heart hasn't been behind it. Now, I'd say I am 98% ready to quit. My lungs hurt; I cough very often and am told I sound like an old lady in need of an oxygen tank (ouch!). I am winded quite easily, I have low energy, and I am more broke than Mickey in a Christmas Carol and could use the extra cash I spend on cigarettes to pay the bills. Not to mention the fact that I've found a wonderful man who I want to spend a lot more time with and don't want to get lung cancer or emphysema and lose out on new experiences and memories with him.
However, there is that 2% of me that still likes smoking, despite all of the other negative baggage that comes with it. I have a hard time imagining life without a cigarette in the morning with my coke or after a good meal to help the food settle. What am I going to do in the car on my 45 minute drives to and from work besides smoke? Holy monkeys, what on earth will I do when I get stressed out about something or get stuck mentally while working on something creative? For the past 11 years, I've turned to cigarettes in each of those scenarios. And, in the twisted way that addictions turn your brain, I feel the evil lit stick has helped in those situations, especially with stress. But, even if it has helped a little bit, it has hurt me more than any benefits it has provided. That is why it is time for me to quit.
For me, I need to analyze my smoking habit and then set out a plan of attack, so to speak. Here is what I've come up with so far. PLEASE, feel free to add any ideas you've come up with, as the more brains involved, the merrier! Especially when quitting this addiction has been declared by scientists to be similar to quitting heroin, I need all the help I can get!
Methods That Have Not Worked (For Me)
~Chewing gum, even nicotine gum. (I got lock jaw from chewing too much, not to mention all of the evil glares from others I got while chomping away, trying to make it fill the cigarette gap).
~Hypnotism. (I thought this one would work, as I have been hypnotized numerous times before for fun and it totally worked, but I don't think I had the best doctor this time around. He told me to think of diarrhea when I smoked, but I just couldn't associate the two).
~Decreasing cigarettes a week at a time. (I started at 25 cigarettes a day, then went down by one cigarette per day every week. Again, I thought this gradual cessation would work for me, but when I got to 10 cigarettes a day, I just couldn't go lower and got frustrated and started smoking full time again).
Though these methods by themselves didn't work for me, I can take parts of what I learned from each to use in my new game plan.
What I Learned From the Methods That Didn't Work
~Though I cannot chew gum all of the time, I can use it as one way to satiate my oral fixation and start a more healthy habit instead of smoking after meals.
~Even though the hypnotist was a disappointment, he did have me identify my triggers and at the beginning, had me try to take away 2-3 triggers a week. This was working well, so I am definitely going to use this again!
~Cutting down gradually is the way to go, I just think I get stuck on numbers. So, instead of decreasing by numbers, I'm going to decrease triggers, like after a meal, while talking on the phone, while driving, with coffee or coke in the morning, etc.
~I do need someone to hold me accountable. I've tried using friends for this in the past, either people who just care about me and want to help or friends who are also trying to quit smoking. But, this hasn't worked. Instead, I've found that having my doctors be the ones to hold me accountable has helped tremendously.
Support Systems That Aren't Supportive
~Family and Friends. They care a ton about me, I know this. But, they can only see the negative health issues and social taboo of it and so mostly criticize and nag me. Yes, this does make me aware of how serious the problem has become, and I thank them for that. However, I criticize myself enough that to have the people I love and look up to constantly putting me down about it, it just makes me hurt and stressed and want to smoke. Sad, but true.
~Friends Who Have Quit Themselves, Especially Cold Turkey. I love these friends dearly, but for them, they had a different style of quitting. That won't work for me. It is hard to have them constantly tell you to just make up your mind to stop and then just do it. Logically, I know this can work, but when I actually apply it to myself, I get so scared and anxious about doing it all at once that I cause so much stress for myself, I drive myself to smoke. Again, it makes no sense logically, but for me and this addiction, that is how it is.
~Certain Medications. I have tried Welbutrin. I can see how it would work for some people, but for me, it didn't take away any of my cravings for a cigarette and it made me increasingly more jittery and anxious. The only thing it did do was to make me feel like I was going to, and at times, actually puke when I smoked a cigarette. Yes, that can be a deterrent to the physical act of lighting up a smoke, but it doesn't help with the craving that still exists. And, I will admit, it became a game: how many puffs can I get before I start to feel sick? Not a help for me.
Support Systems That Will Work For Me
~Family and Friends. After a wonderful conversation with my boyfriend, I realized that I need to be frank with the people I love about what I need from them in my battle to quit smoking. If I don't tell them what will work for me, I can't expect them to read my mind. My boyfriend and I talked a lot about how, for me, I need those I care about to be positive and supportive, even when I'm faltering. I don't want them to hold back their concerns, but framing those concerns in a positive way and then moving on to offer suggestions for getting back on track is something I need from them to kick this bad habit. Right now, quitting smoking scares the shit out of me, and I just need those who care about me to give me that unconditional support and encouragement, so I can borrow that from them until I can summon it up for myself.
~Doctors. I currently see a psychiatrist, psychologist, and my regular general practitioner, and they are all working with me to find the right combination of supports to help me quit. From these people, I have asked that they be frank and hold me to a high standard. I have requested that they help me set up and monitor weekly goals for cutting down triggers and hold me accountable. I can accept this kind of scrutiny and possible criticism from these people: they are neutral, third parties, so for whatever reason, it doesn't bother me to hear this from them. I expect it from them.
~Certain Medications. Every doctor I see has recommended Chantix. At first, it scared the bejesus out of me. For one, I have depression, a mild case of bipolar disorder, and anxiety, and I've read that the drug can amplify these disorders in some patients. I am also freaked out about the possible intensive and sometimes nightmare style dreams this drug can cause as a side effect. However, the more I've read, the more I am starting to think that this drug's positive effects may be worth at least trying it. If I have the bad side effects, I can just stop using it and try something else. It seems to work on taking away the cravings for smoking and helping with the jittery-ness that accompanies wanting to smoke, but resisting. Those are two things I need, so I am considering introducing this drug into my routine about a month into my plan to stop smoking.
~Finding New Habits. I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but he has always said that "you have to replace a bad habit with a good habit." It is true. We are creatures of habit, and must have them to help us put our world into order on a daily basis. For me, this habit has been smoking, but now I need to find lots of other good habits to put in place once I start taking away my triggers. Some good ones I've heard or have thought about: chewing straws, chewing carrot sticks, chewing gum, exercising, writing, working on a creative project, reading, walking, petting a cat, sex, etc.
THE PLAN
Enough analysis of what my problem is. All talk and no walk keeps me a smoking girl. Now, on to the solution.
Starting this week, I will take away the triggers of smoking while talking on the phone, and will go from smoking three times during work hours to only once.
Next week: No more smoking at work, period. No more smoking when I'm bored.
Week 3: No more smoking after meals; at least 2 hours must pass. Go from 4-5 cigarettes on the way to and from work to only 2.
Week 4: No more smoking while driving.
Week 5: Introduce Chantix. Should be down to 1-2 cigarettes a day.
Week 6: Stop smoking. Use Chantix as directed and see doctors regularly to monitor progress and medication effects.
I also need rewards to motivate me right now, so I have promised myself I will start monitoring how much less a month I spend on cigarettes and put that money into a savings account for a sweet vacation once I've quit smoking for at least 6 months.
I have also resolved to talk with my family and friends (or just have them read this blog)about what I need from them in order to feel like I can be successful. It is asking a lot, but I know they will do their best because they love me and want to see me as healthy as I can be.
New habits will also be used whenever I cut a trigger out. I will have to experiment to see which ones will work best for me in the different situations.
From now on, this blog will be used as a smoking diary, chronicling my successes and (hopefully not too many) failures as I put this plan into action. Please feel free to add suggestions, your own triumphs over the lit stick and even your own failures...It is always nice to know you aren't the only one out there trying to free yourself from this glowing demon. :)
Let me be honest: I am trying to quit smoking. Or, let me rephrase that: I am trying to summon the nerve to quit smoking. I've tried before, but my heart hasn't been behind it. Now, I'd say I am 98% ready to quit. My lungs hurt; I cough very often and am told I sound like an old lady in need of an oxygen tank (ouch!). I am winded quite easily, I have low energy, and I am more broke than Mickey in a Christmas Carol and could use the extra cash I spend on cigarettes to pay the bills. Not to mention the fact that I've found a wonderful man who I want to spend a lot more time with and don't want to get lung cancer or emphysema and lose out on new experiences and memories with him.
However, there is that 2% of me that still likes smoking, despite all of the other negative baggage that comes with it. I have a hard time imagining life without a cigarette in the morning with my coke or after a good meal to help the food settle. What am I going to do in the car on my 45 minute drives to and from work besides smoke? Holy monkeys, what on earth will I do when I get stressed out about something or get stuck mentally while working on something creative? For the past 11 years, I've turned to cigarettes in each of those scenarios. And, in the twisted way that addictions turn your brain, I feel the evil lit stick has helped in those situations, especially with stress. But, even if it has helped a little bit, it has hurt me more than any benefits it has provided. That is why it is time for me to quit.
For me, I need to analyze my smoking habit and then set out a plan of attack, so to speak. Here is what I've come up with so far. PLEASE, feel free to add any ideas you've come up with, as the more brains involved, the merrier! Especially when quitting this addiction has been declared by scientists to be similar to quitting heroin, I need all the help I can get!
Methods That Have Not Worked (For Me)
~Chewing gum, even nicotine gum. (I got lock jaw from chewing too much, not to mention all of the evil glares from others I got while chomping away, trying to make it fill the cigarette gap).
~Hypnotism. (I thought this one would work, as I have been hypnotized numerous times before for fun and it totally worked, but I don't think I had the best doctor this time around. He told me to think of diarrhea when I smoked, but I just couldn't associate the two).
~Decreasing cigarettes a week at a time. (I started at 25 cigarettes a day, then went down by one cigarette per day every week. Again, I thought this gradual cessation would work for me, but when I got to 10 cigarettes a day, I just couldn't go lower and got frustrated and started smoking full time again).
Though these methods by themselves didn't work for me, I can take parts of what I learned from each to use in my new game plan.
What I Learned From the Methods That Didn't Work
~Though I cannot chew gum all of the time, I can use it as one way to satiate my oral fixation and start a more healthy habit instead of smoking after meals.
~Even though the hypnotist was a disappointment, he did have me identify my triggers and at the beginning, had me try to take away 2-3 triggers a week. This was working well, so I am definitely going to use this again!
~Cutting down gradually is the way to go, I just think I get stuck on numbers. So, instead of decreasing by numbers, I'm going to decrease triggers, like after a meal, while talking on the phone, while driving, with coffee or coke in the morning, etc.
~I do need someone to hold me accountable. I've tried using friends for this in the past, either people who just care about me and want to help or friends who are also trying to quit smoking. But, this hasn't worked. Instead, I've found that having my doctors be the ones to hold me accountable has helped tremendously.
Support Systems That Aren't Supportive
~Family and Friends. They care a ton about me, I know this. But, they can only see the negative health issues and social taboo of it and so mostly criticize and nag me. Yes, this does make me aware of how serious the problem has become, and I thank them for that. However, I criticize myself enough that to have the people I love and look up to constantly putting me down about it, it just makes me hurt and stressed and want to smoke. Sad, but true.
~Friends Who Have Quit Themselves, Especially Cold Turkey. I love these friends dearly, but for them, they had a different style of quitting. That won't work for me. It is hard to have them constantly tell you to just make up your mind to stop and then just do it. Logically, I know this can work, but when I actually apply it to myself, I get so scared and anxious about doing it all at once that I cause so much stress for myself, I drive myself to smoke. Again, it makes no sense logically, but for me and this addiction, that is how it is.
~Certain Medications. I have tried Welbutrin. I can see how it would work for some people, but for me, it didn't take away any of my cravings for a cigarette and it made me increasingly more jittery and anxious. The only thing it did do was to make me feel like I was going to, and at times, actually puke when I smoked a cigarette. Yes, that can be a deterrent to the physical act of lighting up a smoke, but it doesn't help with the craving that still exists. And, I will admit, it became a game: how many puffs can I get before I start to feel sick? Not a help for me.
Support Systems That Will Work For Me
~Family and Friends. After a wonderful conversation with my boyfriend, I realized that I need to be frank with the people I love about what I need from them in my battle to quit smoking. If I don't tell them what will work for me, I can't expect them to read my mind. My boyfriend and I talked a lot about how, for me, I need those I care about to be positive and supportive, even when I'm faltering. I don't want them to hold back their concerns, but framing those concerns in a positive way and then moving on to offer suggestions for getting back on track is something I need from them to kick this bad habit. Right now, quitting smoking scares the shit out of me, and I just need those who care about me to give me that unconditional support and encouragement, so I can borrow that from them until I can summon it up for myself.
~Doctors. I currently see a psychiatrist, psychologist, and my regular general practitioner, and they are all working with me to find the right combination of supports to help me quit. From these people, I have asked that they be frank and hold me to a high standard. I have requested that they help me set up and monitor weekly goals for cutting down triggers and hold me accountable. I can accept this kind of scrutiny and possible criticism from these people: they are neutral, third parties, so for whatever reason, it doesn't bother me to hear this from them. I expect it from them.
~Certain Medications. Every doctor I see has recommended Chantix. At first, it scared the bejesus out of me. For one, I have depression, a mild case of bipolar disorder, and anxiety, and I've read that the drug can amplify these disorders in some patients. I am also freaked out about the possible intensive and sometimes nightmare style dreams this drug can cause as a side effect. However, the more I've read, the more I am starting to think that this drug's positive effects may be worth at least trying it. If I have the bad side effects, I can just stop using it and try something else. It seems to work on taking away the cravings for smoking and helping with the jittery-ness that accompanies wanting to smoke, but resisting. Those are two things I need, so I am considering introducing this drug into my routine about a month into my plan to stop smoking.
~Finding New Habits. I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but he has always said that "you have to replace a bad habit with a good habit." It is true. We are creatures of habit, and must have them to help us put our world into order on a daily basis. For me, this habit has been smoking, but now I need to find lots of other good habits to put in place once I start taking away my triggers. Some good ones I've heard or have thought about: chewing straws, chewing carrot sticks, chewing gum, exercising, writing, working on a creative project, reading, walking, petting a cat, sex, etc.
THE PLAN
Enough analysis of what my problem is. All talk and no walk keeps me a smoking girl. Now, on to the solution.
Starting this week, I will take away the triggers of smoking while talking on the phone, and will go from smoking three times during work hours to only once.
Next week: No more smoking at work, period. No more smoking when I'm bored.
Week 3: No more smoking after meals; at least 2 hours must pass. Go from 4-5 cigarettes on the way to and from work to only 2.
Week 4: No more smoking while driving.
Week 5: Introduce Chantix. Should be down to 1-2 cigarettes a day.
Week 6: Stop smoking. Use Chantix as directed and see doctors regularly to monitor progress and medication effects.
I also need rewards to motivate me right now, so I have promised myself I will start monitoring how much less a month I spend on cigarettes and put that money into a savings account for a sweet vacation once I've quit smoking for at least 6 months.
I have also resolved to talk with my family and friends (or just have them read this blog)about what I need from them in order to feel like I can be successful. It is asking a lot, but I know they will do their best because they love me and want to see me as healthy as I can be.
New habits will also be used whenever I cut a trigger out. I will have to experiment to see which ones will work best for me in the different situations.
From now on, this blog will be used as a smoking diary, chronicling my successes and (hopefully not too many) failures as I put this plan into action. Please feel free to add suggestions, your own triumphs over the lit stick and even your own failures...It is always nice to know you aren't the only one out there trying to free yourself from this glowing demon. :)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Match is Not Matching Up
It has now been a month and a half since I joined Match.com. Not a ton of time, mind you, but enough to get a feel of the site. Here's what I've learned:
First, people, especially men, hate reading. Plain and simple. For me, longer emails are great. They actually give details, ask questions, and stimulate intellectual conversation (well, most of the time). I love them; but what I've found is that when I send longer emails in response to a short one, it becomes a turn-off for the man. I have always been verbose and know it can be a negative trait, but how hard is it to read an extra few paragraphs? I guess harder than I thought. So, I'm working on sending much pared down versions. No success with that, either, though, so we'll see which route garners the most rewards.
Second, some men use Match as a hook up service. Match is their pimp, and sex is expected. I am an open book and have no ulterior motives, and because of this, I don't usually look for them in others, unless I'm given reason to believe they are being dishonest or deceitful. So, it took me a few minutes to realize that two of my dates were just pimping themselves out via Match and expected me to be on the same page. Not a fun situation, so I am well aware of the warning signs that come with this type of guy: wanting to meet, regardless of the time of night or how long you've talked; not willing to write back and forth; and discussing sex early in the relationship, sometimes in graphic detail.
Third, dating on a site like this is a lot like Chris Rock's stand-up routine where he states that people aren't meeting the other person on a date, they are meeting that person's "representative." At least two men have mentioned that my "picture doesn't do me justice" on my profile. A nice compliment until they begin to expound on the subject: "Well, that dress makes you look fatter and you look kind of geeky." Gee, thanks. I guess I'll head down to Glamour Shots for a make-over and picture session. Goody. (Can you hear the sarcasm? If not, I can turn it up a bit...) Why does the picture matter so much? I know look are important at some level, but it sucks that a few paragraphs and old picture have to be your "representatives". I am so much more than that.
My impatience with dating is growing as quickly as a weed in the spring. I sure hope that someone I'm compatible with is around the corner. For now, I'll just try to think positive; like how the writers of "How I Met Your Mother" phrased this feeling of hopeless waiting: you are in a math problem with two trains, speeding towards each other on the track. It is inevitable they will meet, it is just a matter of time, as each train has to make its designated stops first. Choo-choo. :)
First, people, especially men, hate reading. Plain and simple. For me, longer emails are great. They actually give details, ask questions, and stimulate intellectual conversation (well, most of the time). I love them; but what I've found is that when I send longer emails in response to a short one, it becomes a turn-off for the man. I have always been verbose and know it can be a negative trait, but how hard is it to read an extra few paragraphs? I guess harder than I thought. So, I'm working on sending much pared down versions. No success with that, either, though, so we'll see which route garners the most rewards.
Second, some men use Match as a hook up service. Match is their pimp, and sex is expected. I am an open book and have no ulterior motives, and because of this, I don't usually look for them in others, unless I'm given reason to believe they are being dishonest or deceitful. So, it took me a few minutes to realize that two of my dates were just pimping themselves out via Match and expected me to be on the same page. Not a fun situation, so I am well aware of the warning signs that come with this type of guy: wanting to meet, regardless of the time of night or how long you've talked; not willing to write back and forth; and discussing sex early in the relationship, sometimes in graphic detail.
Third, dating on a site like this is a lot like Chris Rock's stand-up routine where he states that people aren't meeting the other person on a date, they are meeting that person's "representative." At least two men have mentioned that my "picture doesn't do me justice" on my profile. A nice compliment until they begin to expound on the subject: "Well, that dress makes you look fatter and you look kind of geeky." Gee, thanks. I guess I'll head down to Glamour Shots for a make-over and picture session. Goody. (Can you hear the sarcasm? If not, I can turn it up a bit...) Why does the picture matter so much? I know look are important at some level, but it sucks that a few paragraphs and old picture have to be your "representatives". I am so much more than that.
My impatience with dating is growing as quickly as a weed in the spring. I sure hope that someone I'm compatible with is around the corner. For now, I'll just try to think positive; like how the writers of "How I Met Your Mother" phrased this feeling of hopeless waiting: you are in a math problem with two trains, speeding towards each other on the track. It is inevitable they will meet, it is just a matter of time, as each train has to make its designated stops first. Choo-choo. :)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Pondering Life on a Snowy Day
I am sitting in front of my window, watching the giant, fuzzy snowflakes as they take their big rollercoaster ride from the sky, dipping and corkscrewing as they tumble down on the invisible track of air. These snowflake passengers arrive via wind and settle down to their new homes amidst the tree branches, porches, and cars, creating a stark white contrast. At first, all I can think about is the snow. How pure it makes the world look, like it's been given a makeover, with fish-belly white as a concealer of the blights of mankind (dirty roads, big SUVs, and strip malls).
But, like a lot of things in life, snow only stays pure for a moment before a car drives over it and mucks up the color to a dirty gray or someone tracks through it, leaving a trail of dirty prints behind. This is how I am currently feeling about life. I have moments of purity and/or clarity of thought and belief, but then I go and traipse all over it with my cynical outlook.
For instance, I have had two dates so far that have actually been pleasant. We talked a lot and there actually is chemistry for a change, yet, I find myself staying a bit removed and I can't figure out why. I want a relationship, that pure meeting of two people who are on the same levels mentally, emotionally, and physically. However, as I date, in my mind, I keep seeing the yucky parts the "snow" hasn't covered up yet. I trounce all over the moments of purity I share with this man as my brain continues to say, "yes, but the snow will pass and you'll be left with the dirty roads and dead grass."
How do you end this type of thinking, when it now seems to come as habitually as my nicotine craving? I guess just stop, but it is sometimes hard to catch yourself when it comes as second nature. I've got to, though, or I don't think I'll ever be able to be happy, as I'll always be looking for the bad lurking around the good. I deserve to be happy and have more pure moments; now, I've just got to convince myself of that. :) Maybe this new man will help me to believe in optimism again.
But, like a lot of things in life, snow only stays pure for a moment before a car drives over it and mucks up the color to a dirty gray or someone tracks through it, leaving a trail of dirty prints behind. This is how I am currently feeling about life. I have moments of purity and/or clarity of thought and belief, but then I go and traipse all over it with my cynical outlook.
For instance, I have had two dates so far that have actually been pleasant. We talked a lot and there actually is chemistry for a change, yet, I find myself staying a bit removed and I can't figure out why. I want a relationship, that pure meeting of two people who are on the same levels mentally, emotionally, and physically. However, as I date, in my mind, I keep seeing the yucky parts the "snow" hasn't covered up yet. I trounce all over the moments of purity I share with this man as my brain continues to say, "yes, but the snow will pass and you'll be left with the dirty roads and dead grass."
How do you end this type of thinking, when it now seems to come as habitually as my nicotine craving? I guess just stop, but it is sometimes hard to catch yourself when it comes as second nature. I've got to, though, or I don't think I'll ever be able to be happy, as I'll always be looking for the bad lurking around the good. I deserve to be happy and have more pure moments; now, I've just got to convince myself of that. :) Maybe this new man will help me to believe in optimism again.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A Letter to Zach Anderson
Dear Zach,
I felt the need to write to you. Though you will never get this letter, I need to send it, and I hope that you can see what I'm typing from wherever you may be.
You are my first student that I knew well to pass. Let me tell you, hearing that you, at 18 years old, unexpectedly died definitely caused a reaction I had not expected. Your face suddenly flashed in front of my eyes and I burst into tears. I remember you well: always with a smile on your face, despite what you faced at home and the challenge you faced at school each day. That takes strength and courage of character, and I admire you greatly for that. You were always quick to stand up for others as well, and selflessness is not something you encounter in teenagers very often. It was a true pleasure to teach you in class and to know you as a person.
I remember that you always asked me how my day was. You don't know how nice that is for a teacher; we so very seldom are asked how we are, and you always sincerely wanted to know how my day had been. I remember you bringing pictures of your little niece to school and bragging about how cute she is (which she is!). You will always hold a special place in my heart and these are the memories I will use as adhesive to fill the space you left in our school and community.
You have taught me, though dying, that I need to live more. I'm living half-dead at times and need to shake myself up and really live and enjoy life. I spend too many wasted minutes being anxious about my job and love life and who knows what else. It is sad that it took your death for me to discover that, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have no idea what the reason was in your case, as you of all my students, deserved a long-lived life; yet for no apparent reason, whoever is running this show took you so early.
However, for me, I believe you were brought into my life to teach me strength, compassion, and courage. Even in your leaving this world, you managed to teach me another lesson about my own life. The tables have turned, Zach; you are now my teacher and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.
Thinking of you,
Ms. G
I felt the need to write to you. Though you will never get this letter, I need to send it, and I hope that you can see what I'm typing from wherever you may be.
You are my first student that I knew well to pass. Let me tell you, hearing that you, at 18 years old, unexpectedly died definitely caused a reaction I had not expected. Your face suddenly flashed in front of my eyes and I burst into tears. I remember you well: always with a smile on your face, despite what you faced at home and the challenge you faced at school each day. That takes strength and courage of character, and I admire you greatly for that. You were always quick to stand up for others as well, and selflessness is not something you encounter in teenagers very often. It was a true pleasure to teach you in class and to know you as a person.
I remember that you always asked me how my day was. You don't know how nice that is for a teacher; we so very seldom are asked how we are, and you always sincerely wanted to know how my day had been. I remember you bringing pictures of your little niece to school and bragging about how cute she is (which she is!). You will always hold a special place in my heart and these are the memories I will use as adhesive to fill the space you left in our school and community.
You have taught me, though dying, that I need to live more. I'm living half-dead at times and need to shake myself up and really live and enjoy life. I spend too many wasted minutes being anxious about my job and love life and who knows what else. It is sad that it took your death for me to discover that, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have no idea what the reason was in your case, as you of all my students, deserved a long-lived life; yet for no apparent reason, whoever is running this show took you so early.
However, for me, I believe you were brought into my life to teach me strength, compassion, and courage. Even in your leaving this world, you managed to teach me another lesson about my own life. The tables have turned, Zach; you are now my teacher and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.
Thinking of you,
Ms. G
Monday, February 1, 2010
A Bad Case of the Blahs
I felt like shit this morning; more stomach pains and cramps all over my back and stomach. I called in sick and then proceeded to sleep straight from 7 am until 7 pm. I was so confused when I woke up; I thought it was either the same day and I'd dreamed that I'd called in sick or that it was the next day and I was now late for work.
It took me turning on the TV to see the evening news to realize I'd slept all day. Apparently I also slept through three phone calls and two knocks on the door as well. It has been quite a while since I've slept that long; I guess I needed it.
I am getting so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I have done every test in the book: a colonoscopy, a CT scan, blood work, urine work, a pap smear, an upper GI and small bowel, ER tests, etc. All are normal, yet, I am still in pain. WTF?!!!
I know stomach problems are the hardest to diagnose because there are so many organs in such a small place, but for the love of God, I need to find someone who will tell me what is going on.
I am just feeling blah today. Anybody got any suggestions for curing the blahs?
It took me turning on the TV to see the evening news to realize I'd slept all day. Apparently I also slept through three phone calls and two knocks on the door as well. It has been quite a while since I've slept that long; I guess I needed it.
I am getting so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I have done every test in the book: a colonoscopy, a CT scan, blood work, urine work, a pap smear, an upper GI and small bowel, ER tests, etc. All are normal, yet, I am still in pain. WTF?!!!
I know stomach problems are the hardest to diagnose because there are so many organs in such a small place, but for the love of God, I need to find someone who will tell me what is going on.
I am just feeling blah today. Anybody got any suggestions for curing the blahs?
Friday, January 29, 2010
Memories of J. D. Salinger Through the Eyes of a Teenager
I just found out through Red Room that beloved author of The Catcher in the Rye, J. D. Salinger, has just passed away. Though this news didn't devastate me like finding out Kurt Vonnegut had died four years ago, it did spark a bit of fond remembrance for the man and the many characters he brought us, especially Holden Caulfield.
For the first time this year, I taught The Catcher in the Rye to my Advanced Placement English Literature class. Usually, we study Kate Chopin's novella The Awakening, but for the past three years, students have hated it and therefore ruined a perfectly wonderful story for me. So, this year, I decided it was time for a change and Salinger was the perfect choice.
The kids have really enjoyed this book and have fallen in love with Holden. I had forgotten how easily a high school senior, about to embark into the "real world," can relate to Holden Caulfield, the poster child for indecision and rebellion because he is not sure what role to play as an adult. As I remember J. D. Salinger today, what comes to mind is not only how much I enjoyed the book, but how much joy and frustration and understanding it brought to eleven students in my class.
What I remember is the looks on their faces the first time we read a few chapters: "Wow. Holden doesn't seem to be able to express himself without using the words fuck and damn," one student remarked, but quickly followed that comment with, "But I'm okay with that; we all cuss every now and then, just not as much as Holden." Or the time when a student couldn't help herself and exclaimed, "Man, I just want to take Holden by the shoulders and shake him. We all aren't sure what life holds, but we can't just sit and complain and make fun of everyone all of the time. What he doesn't see is that by avoiding the 'phonies,' he is becoming a phony himself: a lone, sad person, who life is passing by." These kinds of comments blow me away and would make Salinger proud. Not only are they understanding his message, but they are applying it to their own lives. What teacher could ask for anything more?
These are the memories I will have of Salinger; seeing him through the eyes of a teenager again. Teaching his book in class helps keep Salinger's memory alive for my students, and watching them dive into the world of Holden and Pency Prep. and surface with knowledge and understanding about their own position in life is what keeps Salinger's memory alive for me.
Thank you, J. D. Salinger, for your contribution to the literary world and the lives of eleven students at a rural high school. And thanks for adding to the memories of a grateful teacher.
For the first time this year, I taught The Catcher in the Rye to my Advanced Placement English Literature class. Usually, we study Kate Chopin's novella The Awakening, but for the past three years, students have hated it and therefore ruined a perfectly wonderful story for me. So, this year, I decided it was time for a change and Salinger was the perfect choice.
The kids have really enjoyed this book and have fallen in love with Holden. I had forgotten how easily a high school senior, about to embark into the "real world," can relate to Holden Caulfield, the poster child for indecision and rebellion because he is not sure what role to play as an adult. As I remember J. D. Salinger today, what comes to mind is not only how much I enjoyed the book, but how much joy and frustration and understanding it brought to eleven students in my class.
What I remember is the looks on their faces the first time we read a few chapters: "Wow. Holden doesn't seem to be able to express himself without using the words fuck and damn," one student remarked, but quickly followed that comment with, "But I'm okay with that; we all cuss every now and then, just not as much as Holden." Or the time when a student couldn't help herself and exclaimed, "Man, I just want to take Holden by the shoulders and shake him. We all aren't sure what life holds, but we can't just sit and complain and make fun of everyone all of the time. What he doesn't see is that by avoiding the 'phonies,' he is becoming a phony himself: a lone, sad person, who life is passing by." These kinds of comments blow me away and would make Salinger proud. Not only are they understanding his message, but they are applying it to their own lives. What teacher could ask for anything more?
These are the memories I will have of Salinger; seeing him through the eyes of a teenager again. Teaching his book in class helps keep Salinger's memory alive for my students, and watching them dive into the world of Holden and Pency Prep. and surface with knowledge and understanding about their own position in life is what keeps Salinger's memory alive for me.
Thank you, J. D. Salinger, for your contribution to the literary world and the lives of eleven students at a rural high school. And thanks for adding to the memories of a grateful teacher.
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