News From the Future: NFL-Style Drafts For All

Imagine entering a crowded bar in the future, people placing bets on who will be drafted to which organization as they swill down another round. Other people clutch loved one's hands as their name is batted around as a high draft pick, wondering where they will land this year and if they will see a reward for their hard work. "Mom, do you think I can get into a good medical research facility ranked 143rd on the draft pick? The first 100 are all trained in eastern medicine, so I think I have a shot at the organizations with a western philosophy," a young medical student anxiously queries. "I'm hoping for Yale, but I'll settle for Princeton. I hope I don't get drafted by a state school; I've worked too hard for that," a confident young woman declares to her boyfriend. "Man, after 30 years as an EMT driver, I am so looking forward to the salary scale being a #3 draft pick; I'll be driving ambulances for the price Brad Pitt used to get for making one movie. It's about time," a sixty-something year old man remarks, duly rewarded for his fine years of selfless service. Wait, are these people suddenly being drafted to the NFL? No, it's the draft picks of the future--the Career Draft Pick (CDP).

Sometime around the year 2011, the general public got fed up with their increasingly low wages for doing jobs that matter more to the rest of the country (like nursing, teaching, firefighting, etc.) than just sacking a quarterback in a key play on the field or winning an Oscar for doing the best job of pretending to be someone else. United through song, much as we were during the 1960's revolutions, people began voting only those politicians into office that supported the CDP and Reverse Utopia (symbolized by the legal U-turn sign, which needless to say, sparked a lot of unnecessary vandalism as the signs were torn down and placed instead inside supporter's house windows). Reverse Utopia, an idea born out of a school teacher's head in suburban Missouri, is the process of allowing America's true values to be reflected not only in our words, but in our hierarchy of pay scales that has developed.

American citizens were asked to vote on which professions were of the most importance to them and most affected their daily lives. These professions were then ranked, and not surprisingly, movie stars, athletes, and celebrities were much lower on the list than some tabloids and TV shows hoped for and predicted. It turned out that though we like to be entertained, we like having our children educated at a high enough levels to compete on a global scale and our medical problems treated by trained professionals a lot more. Each newly ranked career then went through a draft process. Salary caps were put on career fields based on their grouping within the initial voted rank, and officials and members within each organization determined the number of available positions and the pay scales for each level of performance. Each member of each particular career field and potential new employees were ranked based on their experience, job performance, and overall net worth to the career field. In other words,individual companies became like the NFL teams, and each employee within each career field became like the NFL players in a typical NFL draft situation.

After that, the drafts began. Organizations became more efficient at doing recruiting work, scouring the potential draftees for the ones that would bring the most success to their organization. Plus, the more efficient the company, the higher it would stay in citizen voting ratings, ensuring higher salaries for all in the career field. Organizations that had tough years would know they would be seated for an early draft pick next year, so they could continue to hope for success as they looked for employees in their field that were achieving at a high level. Employees became more efficient at their jobs, knowing that they were paid automatically more if they performed at a higher level. Company loyalty also resurfaced, as employees realized that if their organization succeeded, everyone could see a jump or a maintenance of higher salaries to reward their hard work. I know it sounds like a big shocker, but knowing that you are paid what you are worth to do your job which benefits others really increases productivity and success in the workplace.

Granted, not all careers benefited from the CDP; all forms of entertainment went on strike for quite a while, not used to or not willing to accept the lower pay scales and salary caps. However, this allowed a lot of every day citizens who wanted truth in reporting and media to resurface and flourish, which would have otherwise been stamped out like weeds by the vast media systems of yesterday if the money-driven media companies were not capped by the CDP. After the entertainment employees realized that they could either continue entertaining, but at a lower salary, or become educated in another career field, America saw a strange phenomenon take place.

Ordinary citizens found themselves face to face with John Travolta as he carried them to safety from a burning building; a few people were treated to sponge baths by Brad Pitt themselves, but this only lasted a few months once they realized that people were injuring themselves just to be admitted to Brad Pitt's nursing ward; still others enjoyed learning history at a downtown Chicago high school from Sean Connery himself. Michael Jordan is often seen cleaning gutters (without a ladder, of course) and constructing new houses, while Demarcus Ware now runs the leading moving business, with the highest rating in speed and precision in the industry. Needless to say, this has also increased student interest in these new highly-prized career fields. Now, students day-dream that they can be the next "Marcus Allen of Engineering" or the next "Brad Pitt of Nursing" or the next "Charlese Theron of Social Work", or even the next "Tiger Woods of Online Dating Sites". NFL players, other athletes, and entertainers are still drafted as they always were, but with football coming in at #53 out of 100 and movies coming in at #72, most of these now ordinary folks can make about as much as a full-tenured teacher with a masters used to make. Not a bad living, right?