Disenchanted and Done

Disney, Victorian novels, and Hollywood have instilled in me the desire for a "happily ever after" kind of romance, where you meet a partner who is completely suited to you and loves you for who you are, faults and all. I'm not a mermaid, or a poor lass who loves a Barron, but I do have my flaws, which I am aware of and working to change. Yet, I haven't had any luck finding a man who loves me for me and is looking for the same things I am: a best friend partner who loves me unconditionally and wants to grow old with me and also wants to create a family, either through adoption or having children.

Some men are turned off by my open and honest feelings. I am a firm believer of living in the moment and expressing your thoughts and feelings, rather than oppressing them. Men can find this "clingy" or "desperate", when it is the opposite--I just feel deeply and enjoy getting to know a lot of aspects of a person who intrigues me and seems to feel the same. I am very open about who I am and what I want. I am tired of laying myself and my feelings on the line to try and openly get to know someone, only to have my heart trampled on. However, I also can't meet anyone unless I put myself out there. A wicked Catch 22.

At this point, I love myself, including my weaknesses, and I think I'm a damned good catch. I'm romantic, thoughtful, loyal to a fault, giving, trusting, spontaneous, funny, open-minded, willing to try almost anything, and ready to make someone's already happy life just a little bit richer. However, constant rejection is just confusing. Men seem to either want sex with no strings or say they want a long-term, serious relationship but pull back and disappear at the first sign of connections and commitment. Or they actually don't know what they want. But at 30+ years old, when the fuck will they know and be ready and willing for that when it comes their way?

I know women mature faster, but damn! Men have fallen far behind. And the things some boys (they aren't men yet in my opinion) think is acceptable on first or second dates makes me shudder! Randomly texted pictures of penises in the middle of conversations that have nothing to do with sex is NOT okay, at least in my book. Taking me to a restaurant and then saying, "oh, I forgot to tell you. I don't get paid until tomorrow so can you cover it and I'll pay you back if this works out and we see each other again?" Seriously? This is what is left in the dating pool? I was dealing with this kind of stuff when I was in my 20's.

So, I've decided I'm done. Done with online dating. Done with asking friends to set me up on blind dates. Done with putting myself out there for a bit. Instead, I am going to focus on me and making my life the best it can be. I'm going to pursue jobs outside of Missouri. I've known for a long time that Kansas City has not been the ideal place for me. Though I've met a few open-minded and laid back people in Kansas City, for the most part, they are closed-minded, judgmental, and cliquish people here and it is time for me to move to a different part of this country, where I can be around more people I can relate to. I deserve to be celebrated for being myself, rather than being judged and ostracized.

I'm also debating getting my masters in English so I can teach at a community college, but I am truthfully enjoying Elementary Art, so I might stay in that vein. It is just time for a new adventure. Plus, I agree with my friend Ali that the universe may be telling me that I'm not supposed to be in KC, and therefore not supposed to find the right man for me here, so I have to get to the location I want to settle down in before the right man will appear in my life. So, for now, dating is a bust. But getting out of KC is a must.