Happiness: Deserved or Earned?

Depression is a fickle bitch. It can creep up on me so slowly I don't notice it coming, like a leopard stalking its unsuspecting prey in the dark. Other times, it lunges at me, devouring me in one quick gulp, much like a whale swilling krill. In one moment, I start to feel better, and in the next, I am back in the quicksand, barely keeping my nose above the seemingly bottomless pit of sand, clutching and dragging me under. I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for seven months now, and, at times, I feel like I am making true progress. But at other points, it feels like I will always be dealing with this in some way. That is a depressing thought (pun intended).

However, I have to go back to the idea of hope. I know I will find the right combination of medicine, therapy, stress relievers, and support eventually, but at times I feel selfish and want it now. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, to use an equally exhausted phrase (again, pun intended). :)

Lately, I've been trying to visualize what being completely happy would look like for me. This is a much more difficult task than one might think. At first, my mind seemed to throw up a roadblock, as I couldn't stop wondering When was the last time I was really happy?. It wasn't the question that stopped me in my tracks, it was the fact that I couldn't think of an answer. Not even just right away, but after thirty minutes, my mind was still a blank. Don't get me wrong, I could think of a lot of happy moments, but try as I might, I couldn't come up with a really long stretch of time where I was truly happy, unless I went back as far as college, which was more than 10 years ago.

Needless to say, that realization was quite depressing. After having a good cry, I said to myself, Okay, now that you know this is an issue, let's find ways to fix it. I started making a list of what I thought would make me happy. Things like "find a life partner," "find a place to work where I am accepted and welcomed for who I am," "travel more," "paint more," "write more" were added to my list. Surprisingly, as I kept writing, I found more and more things that would make me happy. Making the happy list began to make me happy.

Until I started really looking at the list. It dawned on me that the common denominator to getting all of those things is me and my attitude and effort. When I want to work at it, I surprise myself at what I can accomplish, but the trick is getting back the motivation and desire to actually go ahead and work on getting these things in my life. There's where the depression comes back in. Depression tends to suck my motivation and passion dry, even from areas and activities that I used to love.

However, if I am going to knock this monkey off my back (or at least into a side-car on my motorcycle of life), I have to believe that being happy for a period of time longer than a day or week can actually be possible. I guess I'm just scared I don't know how to be happy any more. Sometimes I think being happy is scary in and of itself, as I'm not sure I would know who I am without the sadness that seems to have consumed the last 10-15 years of my life. Just typing that statement "out loud" makes me sad, but I think healing from depression is a lot like the 12-step program; the first step is admitting I have a problem. "Hi, my name is Ophelia, and I am addicted to sadness."

I know depression is a chemical imbalance in my brain, but again, guilt always drives me to wonder if I identify more with sadness than with happiness and therefore perpetuate my depression. Is it because I don't think I deserve to be happy? Is it just my cynical, "glass half empty" personality? Is it because I over-analyze everything and drive myself crazy with guilt if something isn't perfect? Is it that I worry that even if I obtain most of the items on my "happy list", I still might not be fully happy? Perhaps yes to all. Who knows?

All I know is I feel good that I am getting help and am going to remain hopeful that soon the right balance in my treatment will be found and I can start learning how to be happy again. Ironically, some of the kids I teach do a good job of showing me how to be happy and keep me feeling positive about how I am helping "mold young minds", just as they (hopefully) learn from me. Very circle of life, and more importantly, a happy thought to hold on to.